Joann* arrived as an emergency admission to our adult behavioral health unit around 10:00 pm. She had been undergoing treatment for breast cancer and lost most of her hair. Earlier that evening, she had gone into her garage, started the car and rolled down the windows, and hoped to fall asleep and never wake up. A few minutes later she panicked, turned the car off, and called her husband. He rushed home from work and took her to the hospital emergency room.
I learned from her admission paperwork that Joann was 53 and worked as a church secretary. She had been diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma 10 months earlier and undergone a double mastectomy with subsequent chemotherapy. I briefly greeted her husband, and asked if he would wait in the waiting room outside the locked unit while I admitted his wife. He said yes. I told him I would come and get him as soon as I could.
Joann cried softly as I checked her vital signs, height and weight, and worked through her assessment. She denied physical pain although she said her breast areas remained tender. I wondered, was there anything I could do to help relieve Joann’s deep emotional pain? How could I support her? How could I express God’s compassion to her? I spoke softly and gently as I asked questions and tried to establish rapport.
About halfway through the assessment, Joann whispered, “I feel so ashamed.” I waited a few moments to see if she would say more, then responded, “You feel ashamed?” She said through more tears, “I shouldn’t have done this, Christians shouldn’t do this. I feel so ashamed.” Like a lightning bolt, the thought came to me that Jesus knew what it was like to face death. I softly said, “Joann, Jesus knows what it’s like to face death. I think he understands your pain.” Sobbing, she looked into my eyes, shook her head up and down, and fell into my arms. I held her for a few minutes, then asked if it would be helpful for me to pray for her. She again indicated yes. I asked Jesus, the one who sympathizes with and understands our weaknesses and pain, because he’s been tempted in every way as we are (Hebrews 4:14-16), to help Joann feel his tender mercy and grace.
By now it was almost midnight. I asked Joann if it was okay to bring her husband into the room. A look of pain crossed her face, so I asked if she wanted to say more. She said things had been awkward between them since her diagnosis; he had not touched her since the mastectomy. She wondered if he still wanted her. But she wanted to see him now and then let him go home.
I brought her husband to her room and asked what questions he had. He sat on a chair in the corner away from her bed, keeping his head down. I told him, “If you’d like to sit closer, that’s okay.” He moved his chair closer and the two looked at each other, crying. Then I said softly, “It’s okay to touch her.” He moved to sit on the bed, and they embraced each other, sobbing. I left them alone, saying to let me know if they needed anything.
Joann’s husband came out of the room about 10 minutes later, thanked me, and went home. When I checked back with Joann, she asked if the hospital had a Bible she could read before she went to sleep. She wanted to read about the crucifixion. I retrieved a Bible from the chapel for her. When I checked on her a few minutes later, she was asleep with the Bible by her side.
I thank God that he allows me as a nurse to be in places of deep suffering and share his great compassion.
*Not her real name.
Louise Ess, a U.S.-based RN, currently teaches and coaches nurses for a nonprofit organization.
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